Xerxes Chatting System
by Midget in Glasses
Summary: Who said that the citizens of Xerxes couldn't chat with each other even while existing as a huge tirade of moaning souls? Rated for crude stuff and language. Spoilers for recent chapters/episodes.
1. Everybody wants some Hoho

**A/N: **Yeah, the souls inside of Philosophers' stones can participate in an elaborate chatting system. That's right.

Disclaimer: I own nothing except for Belteshazzar.

* * *

_Tony has logged in._

_Belteshazzar has logged in._

Tony: Hey Belteshazzar! We haven't talked in a while, huh?

Belteshazzar: Hey, how's it going?

Belteshazzar: Yeah, it's been like, what, two centuries?

Tony: You're part of that "Father" guy's Philosopher's stone, right?

Belteshazzar: Yeah. And you're with…Hohonheim?

Tony: Hohenheim. And yep! Dude, he is so awesome. He actually took the time to pull me apart from the rest of the guys here and talk to me! Very cool of him.

Belteshazzar: …seriously?

Tony: Yeah! Isn't he great? And he calls us his "comrades". He's the shit, man!

_Mayo has logged in_.

Tony: Mayo! How's it going, dude?

Belteshazzar: Hey, Mayo. (:

Mayo: Hey Tony. Hey Belteshazzar.

Mayo: Tony, Hohenheim's pulling apart all of the souls again. And I'm next!

Belteshazzar: …

Tony: Awesome! Dude, it's freaking amazing. You feel like, all FREE. It's so heartfelt.

Mayo: Aaaaaahh! So excited!

Belteshazzar: Goddamn you both!

Mayo: ?

Tony: What's wrong, Belt?

Belteshazzar: This Hohenheim guy actually talks to you. Fuck. Father never talks to us. All the lazy shit ever does is sit on his ass and fart a few times.

Belteshazzar: I hate you guys.

Belteshazzar: Fuck you.

Belteshazzar: I'm so lonely here.

Belteshazzar: ): ): ): ):

Tony: Aww, Belt, we care. Don't we, Mayo?

_Message sent at 1:21 AM._

Tony: Mayo?

_Mayo is offline._

_Status: Suck it, bitches! I'm off to talk with Hohenheim!_

Belteshazzar: I HATE MY LIFE.

Tony: Wait!

_Belteshazzar is offline._

Tony: Shit.


	2. Things better left unsaid

**A/N:** Apparently souls can still rape each other even while...souls.

Disclaimer: I own nothing except for Nathaniel's name.

* * *

_Tony has logged in._

_Nathaniel has logged in._

_Poswell has logged in._

Tony: Poswell, you still owe me valuable talking time with Hohenheim.

Poswell: Oh, please. I was next in line.

Tony: You cut! You shoved past me!

Poswell: Oh, please. How the hell could I do that if I'm just a speck lost in a swirling vortex of souls?

Tony: Line cutter.

Poswell: Oh, please.

Nathaniel: Um, guys?

Tony: Hey, it's old Natty! Sorry, didn't see you in the chat log.

Tony: How's it going, man?

Nathaniel: Not so good.

Tony: How come? You're with Father, right? Belt said that the Father dude didn't do jackshit all day.

Nathaniel: Well, Tony, I'm not part of Father's Philosopher's Stone anymore.

Tony: You're not?

Nathaniel: No. I'm part of the homunculus Gluttony's Stone now. He's one of Father's children.

Tony: Oh. I see.

Tony: So how is that bad?

Nathaniel: Well, Gluttony has a really bad habit of dying every second if he's not careful. Just two minutes ago, he stuck a pair of scissors into an electrical socket.

Tony: Oh, wow.

Nathaniel: And before that, he accidentally fell into Father's antique collection of rusty staples.

Tony: Ouch.

Nathaniel: Not to mention that he gets killed about eighty-nine times in each fight he gets into.

Nathaniel: And he dies a lot from overeating. WHICH IS EVERY GODDAMN SECOND.

Nathaniel: Seriously, he dies so often, me and the guys here in the Stone say goodbye to each other every thirty seconds, just in case.

Poswell: Oh, please.

Tony: Dude, what's your problem? Do you always have to challenge everything we

_Poswell is offline_.

Tony: Douchebag.

Nathaniel: So….Tony. Remember when you made out with Slave Number Fifty-seven?

Tony: Haha, yeah. Good times. Good times.

Tony: …

Tony: I hope to God that I never have to talk to her again.

Nathaniel: Yes. You never meant to leave her in a dumpster, right?

Tony: Stfu, Nat.

Nathaniel: (:

Tony: )))))):

Nathaniel: I always liked fondling Slave Number Fifty-eight.

Tony: …Fifty-eight was a dude.

Nathaniel: Yes. Exactly.

Tony: …

Tony: When did you

_Poswell has logged in._

_Ripley has logged in._

Ripley: What's crackin', bitches?

Nathaniel: Look, Tony, it's Fifty-seven.

Tony: …oh shi

Tony: I mean

Tony: Hi, Ripley.

Ripley: Aw yeahhhhh, I remember you! Slave Number Forty-two.

Tony: Yep.

Ripley: You were pretty good. You just needed to use your tongue a bit more.

Tony: Thanks.

Ripley: By the way, I woulda slapped the shit outta your face if I wasn't just a soul right now.

Tony: I didn't MEAN to leave you in a dumpster, Ripley, I just

Ripley: Oh, go suck eggs.

Tony: It just happened to be the most convenient place while running

Ripley: EGGS, TONY. GO SUCK THEM.

Tony: Poswell, you dickcheese! You brought her here on purpose, didn't you?

Tony: POSWELL

Tony: Answer me!

_Poswell is offline._

_Status: Oh, please._

Tony: POSSWELLLLLLLLLL

Nathaniel: Oh damn, Gluttony just swallowed a grenade.

Nathaniel: Sixteen of them.

_Nathaniel is offline._

Tony: Hehe, hi, Ripley…

Tony: Well! I'd better be go

Ripley: Oh, you're not going anywhere. You're my bitch for the night, Tony.

Tony: Balls.


End file.
